Today is “Thanksgiving,” I have
been told. For me, it is like any other day, except that a lot places I need to
go, or would like to go to, are closed. There is no “family” or “friends” who
want to share their “blessing” with me, although to be honest I don’t seek such
things out. Also I have too much “pride” to spend the holiday in other places. Most
of the time, it isn’t even a paid holiday for me. So I have to ask myself “Thankful
for what?” Every morning I wake up and I don’t want to, but I have to, either
because I have to go to work to make just enough to survive, or when I’m not
working, because I don’t want to run into the wrong people (meaning, any
people). After work, or when I’m not, I spend several hours a day reading,
Internet surfing and writing, although not enough of the latter of what I
really want to do—meaning making money from it.
Because my basic mode of
transportation is walking, too much time in the day is consumed to do anything
that I “enjoy” doing. What constitutes as “enjoyment” these days is watching
old favorite TV show “marathons” that I have the complete seasons for copied on
portable backup hard drives; unfortunately, I rarely have the free hours even
to start. Did I mention I constantly worry about money and having to share
space with rude and annoying people? I “dream” that I will somehow come into
some money that will enable me to escape and spend all day either writing or
watching those TV shows I find just as pleasurable now as I did in the few “enjoyable”
hours of my youth.
That is the “inside” world. What
about the “outside” world? It is tolerable so long as people mind their own
business. I will respond if people are pleasant to me, but otherwise I’m just
fine being left to my own universe, the perimeter of which extends about 10
yards around my person. The problem, of course, is that I have no control over
what happens beyond that perimeter, and for the most part I am but a helpless
observer. I can rant and rave here all I want, but all I’m doing is pissing in
the wind. I can’t control what people “see,” and I can’t control the
stereotypes and prejudices that they apply to what they see, or use it to make
a determination of “worth.” I have no input on the decisions of the leaders and
controllers of this country’s institutions. I can only observe and report,
which people can make of it what they will, or not.
But I am “thankful” for some
things. Life, mainly. Even though I am getting “long in the tooth,” I really
don’t feel that much older than I did when I was a young adult; it must be all
that walking I do (certainly not because of all the junk I eat). People tend to
be under the impression that I am 10 or 15 years younger than I actually am,
which is “good,” or not, depending on the person making the observation (cops,
women young enough to be my children). I haven’t been to a doctor since my last
military physical, not counting the time I went to the emergency room for a
lumpy jaw, which the check-in nurse believed was due from a “punch,” but in
fact turned out to be an abscess from a massive attack of tooth decay. Thus I
have no idea where I stand health-wise, but I feel “fine” enough and I am not
thinking of dying any time soon. So there is still time to pursue dreams and
watching my favorite old TV shows. Which, I suppose, is something to “celebrate”
on this day.
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