It’s been a week now, and I’ve given it up. No, it’s not trying to convince a local sports radio personality that Matt Flynn is the Seattle Seahawks answer at quarterback, but deciding on a New Year’s resolution. It seems like every year I resolve to save some money this time, but I never do. It’s an unrealistic resolution anyways; I’ll probably have to work until the day I die, for all the loose change that I earn. So what else could I do? I could resolve to rein in my impatience with people and be nice, but I don’t think so; I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work for long. People are who they are; why should I change if they don’t? I sit here staring out a window with my fingers scratching my chin; it’s no good. I need help. Then something perfectly inane pops into my skull: What better place to find such assistance than from a fortune cookie? Those little missives have to be good for something, like some little nugget of inspiration. I have a small collection of these little strips of parchment. I don’t know why I kept them; maybe it is because some of them might come true—if I wait long enough. Well, actually, I kept them because I thought that they would be an interesting excuse to write a post like this:
“Now is the time to set your sights high and go for it.”
I’m not sure what “high” means at this point in my life, particularly given the current state of the economy and international affairs. People think things are bad today, but the world was going to hell in a hand basket when I was a kid many, many moons ago; in fact somebody in my family (my mother, I think) insisted that we all move to the country to have a plot of land to keep an overlarge garden to grow our own food, just in case of the collapse of civilization as we knew it. I seem to remember spending a lot of time on my knees pulling weeds, mostly because I was kind of the black sheep of the family (which also explained why it was me who had to wake-up an hour early to feed and water my sister’s horse before school; I think that horse knew I hated having to do it, because it always behaved with malicious rudeness when I appeared each morning). Not surprisingly, my principle ambition as a kid was to run away into the woods and create my own personal empire lording over the minions of nature; when I became older, I wanted -- like Thoreau -- to find my pond and spend my days pondering and writing. Good thing for me I can’t tell the difference between a low and a high sight; they’re both hard to reach.
“This week your lucky day is Saturday. Enjoy the fun.”
I’ve worked every Saturday for the past 4+ years. I wake up in the morning at 2 AM, and if I’m lucky, I arrive home at 6 PM. I suppose that it is possible for me to have “fun” Saturday night, except that I work Sunday, too. What passes for “lucky” on a Saturday these days is if I find a dollar on the sidewalk.
“You will benefit by stretching your mind. Study a foreign language.”
I “studied” French for a year when I was in college, because it was a requirement to take at least one year of foreign language study in order to graduate. I really had to “stretch” my mind to memorize enough of that nonsense that I was never going to use to pass those classes. The only useful phrase I learned was “Parlez-vous anglais?” I was, admittedly in Paris once, while I was on leave in the Army; I recall finding myself under the Eifel Tower where there was a food stand which offered a hamburger-looking item identified as a “Whopper.” I thought to myself, “Now here is something I can ask for that I can pronounce without one of these arrogant bastards looking at me as if I’m a talking monkey.” So I pointed at the sign and said “Un Whopper.” The proprietor looked at me as if I was a talking monkey. I repeated my request, and with a sneer the proprietor “corrected” my pronunciation: “Whop-pare.” Huh??? What an illiterate. If these people are going to steal the name of an iconic American fast food item, they can at least get the frigging pronunciation right.
“You are competent, creative and careful. Use your talents.”
Al Franken, who is currently a U.S. senator from Minnesota—a rather large leap from being a skit writer for Saturday Night Live—appeared on his own skit called “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley.” He’d look at himself in the mirror and say "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me." Frankly, every time I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of the fact that it doesn’t matter what I think, it is what other people see.
“Three times a week, treat yourself to dessert.”
Just three times a week? This makes it sound like it’s hard. When I was in the Army, there was dessert set out for lunch and dinner every day. I never missed even one.
“You are often unaware of the effect you have on others.”
Well, I have this suspicion of the effect I have on others—like when I’m followed by a security guard in a store, or when someone runs back to make sure their car doors are locked when they see me walking down the sidewalk, or when a cop gives me the eye, or when a glorified airline waitress asks me if I have the swine flu, and then pretends it was supposed to be a “joke.”
“Success will come to your plans. Are politics in your future?”
I can’t wait until I think of that plan now. And, well, no. Can you think of a more decrepit, disgraceful occupation these days (I’m talking mainly Republicans, of course)?
“Prepare today for the demands of tomorrow. Plan your move.”
The demands of tomorrow are the same as ones today, and yesterday. Work, eat, sleep. I can’t plan anything until I know that my next paycheck actually has the correct amount, which I will touch on later.
“The world needs your positive energy. Go out and conquer.”
Thanks to the miracle of the modern dictionary, “positive” does not necessarily mean something that has to be “optimistic”; it can also mean forward movement, or an opinion confidently and unwaveringly expressed—even if another person finds it appalling. Fox News funny farm escapee Sean Hannity has “positive” energy, and he has had amazing success conquering people with political and social IQs of 10.
“An interesting musical opportunity is in you near future.”
I figure that people either ignore these things if they don’t apply—or if they do, are willing to suspend reality and fantasize what the word “interesting” signifies in this context. Not me. Twenty years ago I was possessed by some demon that told me I could learn to play the harmonica, and I now I own a half-dozen of these instruments, all of which are currently gathering some strange-looking green material. The last thing (or one of the last things, anyways) I’m “interested” in is the “opportunity” to have anyone hear me playing one of them.
“You will bring sunshine into someone’s life this week.”
I’m not sure it is possible for me to do that, not being the sunshiny type. Maybe the next time I’m at the 7-Eleven, I’ll note the name tag of the cashier and say “Have a good night (cashier’s name).” People actually appreciate it when you recognize their individuality, and not some nameless, faceless cog in the wheel of commerce. But only if the cashier is nice to me, and my standards are pretty high.
“Keep in mind that it’s the journey and the destination that counts.”
Where do they come-up with this crazy crap? For 99 percent of the people in this country, the “journey” is a slog through the morass of living to work, or working to live. All this to occasionally “treat” oneself to going out to eat, bar-hopping, going to a movie, wandering around a mall with friends or watching TV. Snore. How you get there is totally irrelevant. “Flowers would brighten the day of your close friend.”
Depends upon who that close friend is; that “friend” might regard you as someone they don’t want anyone to know that they know you. Fortunately, I don’t know anyone who would appreciate getting flowers from me, so I don’t need to bother.
“You will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend.”
No good. Since I work weekends, it is easy to imagine enjoying doing something different—like sleeping all day.
“Your personality is fueled by the fascination you feel for life.”
You got that right, for once.
“An unexpected payment is coming your way!”
Some rich guy writing me a check for a million dollars out of the goodness of his heart would be unexpected, but I’ll settle for my next paycheck not getting fouled-up, like my last two.
Alright, so I can’t expect someone else, especially a fortune cookie composer, to help me formulate a New Year’s resolution. Conveniently, I have all the rest of the year to think of one.
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