Mark Williams' Soliloquy

Am I mad? What is mad? Mad as a hatter? What is a matter, I mean a hatter, anyways? I am not mad. I am just mad. Mad, mad, mad! Don’t ask me what I mean. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.

My mind is aflame. It is aflame with hate. I hate things, especially if they are not white, like me. I look in the mirror and I see a white face. I love that face. I want to embrace it, put lipstick on slobber all over it. If I saw a black face in that mirror, or a brown face or a yellow face, I would hate that face. I would say Mark Williams, you are a black man, a brown man or a yellow man, and I hate you. You are a racist, lazy, shiftless bum, because you do nothing but talk about your superior race, your put-upon race, and speak in simple-minded clichés that you pass-off as intelligent discourse—like socialism, and communism, and Nazism, and Muslimism, and guns, and more guns, and taxes, and taxes. Did I mention taxes? You speak in run-on sentences, shout over people, say things that make no sense. That is what I would say about myself. If I were black, or brown, or yellow.

It is said that I hate Muslims, that they worship a monkey god. Not true! I mean, not the monkey god part (I did say that). I only said that I dislike them, intensely. I did say I hate terrorists, and all terrorists are Muslims, and all Muslims are terrorists. Well, some, or all, illegal Mexicans are violent terrorists too, or so Jan Brewer told me in Arizona. So not all terrorists are Muslims, so you cannot accuse me of hating all Muslims, because I hate Mexicans, too. You can’t hate all of them the same at the same time, although I have to confess that like many people sometimes I get Muslims and Mexicans mixed up, so I just hate them both equally. See how much sense I make? It makes things a lot simpler. Anyways, me and my wife traveled to Baghdad so we could observe first-hand all them Muslim terrorists getting wiped-out, and we got a Mark Twain Award for it. Some commie-fascists say that Mark Twain would be rolling in his grave if he knew that some National Chauvinist with a thirst for dark-skinned blood was the recipient of an “honor” given in his name, but Twain was a commie-fascist too. I think that I am going to travel to Arizona to watch that guy J.T. Ready and his neo-Nazi Wild Bunch shoot a pack of Mexicans in “self-defense” on the border. And people say I’m the one who is crazy.

Yes, yes, yes. I did say that Barack Hussein Obama Jr. was an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug and a racist in chief. I did call him a Nazi. I did call him a Communist too, even though Nazis and Communists hate each other. They tell me that Communists think everyone is equal, and Nazis don’t. Hmm. Let me think upon this. I don’t think blacks, browns and yellows are equal to whites. Does that make me a Nazi? Think! Think! Yes, yes, I’ve got it now. It’s all under control. Just because Obama is our first half-black president, the people who are all black think they have us whites by the gonads. They think they are better than us, that Obama is thief-in-chief and going to steal from us and giving everything to them. So what if there is no evidence of that. A belief is as good as a fact, I always say. Thought you had me, huh? Communist, Shmommulist.

I don’t get it. Every time I appear on Fox News or one of these right-wing radio shows, they tell me that I am 100 percent right about whites being enslaved by black racists. Just look around you; white people got all the jobs, do all the work. Just because they make all the money too doesn’t mean they don’t feel like slaves. Feelings are as a good as a fact, I always say. But that Anderson Cooper on CNN still called me a racist (and I thought we were friends). How dare he call ME a racist when I was in the streets marching for civil rights when those sheriffs in the South were swinging nail studded baseball bats at black heads? Well, OK, that was a lie, but whose checking? My mother wouldn’t let me go down there, but I did see it on TV, and it had no effect on me whatever, except make me laugh.

I say a lot of things that people call knucklehead, but at least I am a consistent knucklehead. But there are two things you can always count on: I will defend my record on race to no one (unless, of course, you attack that record) under any circumstances and I will call out any racist, any time, without regard to who they are. It’s just that I don’t know any racists who are white; we all talk the same in the Tea Party (although we encourage those who sound sane to call into left-wing radio programs). So how can we be racist if we all have the same idea? Zounds! So I wrote a letter, a satirical letter, which I thought was both very profound and very amusing to me at the same time. Now tell me I’m mad after reading this:


Dear Mr. Lincoln:

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.

And the ridiculous idea of “reduce the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.
Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely
Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person


And they are still calling me a racist? Haven’t I said it was impossible for me to be a racist? Saying so is as good as a fact, I always say.

My Tea Party group has been expelled by that so-called national Tea Party umbrella organization. They call me amoral and without conscience. What? What a bunch of cowards and hypocrites! Who put up that billboard in Iowa? The one with Obama and Hitler and Lenin? It wasn’t my doing. All the people I talk to agree with me, at least in private. Didn’t you see all those Tea Party demonstrators who heckled and spat at and shouted racial slurs at those black congressmen? It wasn’t just those Crash the Tea Party people, who didn’t even exist then. If they continue to make me mad, I just might tell some more truth. And where are you, my buddy-old-pal Sarah Palin? Didn’t you attend not one, but two of my Tea Party events—for nothing? Didn’t we have a good time talking violent nonsense? Don’t abandon me now, like you did your constituents in Alaska.

They’ve got me on TV, although I’m not having as much fun now, because they want me to explain myself. It’s hard. I try to sound reasonable instead of shouting like a funny farm escapee, which is why people think I’m mad. So I try to sound not mad, at least for now. But it is hard. My mind, as I have I said, is aflame with thoughts of black people, and brown people, and sometimes yellow people. I just can’t stop thinking about them. I am not a racist, but in every corner I see race, like rats. I can’t even think about taxes without seeing a black face. We have high taxes because we white people have to give it all to black people, and brown people, and yellow people sometimes. But how can I prove that I’m not a racist when race is all I talk about? I talk about race more than the NAACP does. Think! Think! I’ve got it! I will do a rewrite of my letter to Mr. Lincoln, and everyone will know that I’m not really a racist:


Dear Mr. Abram (sic) Lincoln

We Crackers have taken a vote and decided that we Reject that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real instead of being a Tea Party Spokesperson, think for ourselves instead of taking our orders from Fox News, and take consequences along with the rewards, like developing melanoma in tanning beds. That is just far too much to ask of us Cracker People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in some Mexican-Free Zone in Arizona this week. We voted for a political revival of that old Enslavement spirit thing and called it the “Tea Party Express.” Only Crackers with Saltine complexion need apply.

The Tea Party position to “end the bailouts,” for example, isn’t silly because we Crackers hadn’t thought about it when George Bush was behind it, only when that half-black Muslim terrorist was around. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Crackers to strive for? Didn’t Rush Limbaugh tell us that it was bad for the country if we didn’t allow corporate executives to make billions while 20 millions were out of work? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? Well, not us! What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us Crackers! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Cracker People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds. We just don’t have a plan yet on what to do with it, because we just have these slogans and one-liners that Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck let us borrow.

And then there is that ridiculous idea of “reducing the size and intrusiveness of government.” We went on about it, but then we realized that we need the government spending trillions killing those Muslims wherever they can be found; we can’t do it ourselves, it’s just too big a job. We also need that gigantic bureaucracy to spy on anyone who isn’t the color of a Saltine. We still need the government to help hunt down every last one of them Mexicans. We ought not worry ourselves, of course. What kind of massa would ever want to control our pathetic lives, anyway? We say a lot, but it’s mostly stupid shit, we admit. As Crackers we must have somebody care for our white rights, like Fox News, otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The Tea Parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending,” like on stimulus packages. Why? Because that means more jobs are created, and that means there are more jobs that those blacks, browns, and yellows could have, and we Crackers have to be more non-discriminatory about that and that is just not right.

The Tea Parties also demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” What’s so outrageous about that? That the Obama administration hasn’t raised anybodies taxes, and we are just blowing foul emanations from our pie holes? Blowing foul emanations from our pie holes is as good as a fact, we always say. How will we Crackers ever get to watch Glenn Beck on wide screen TV if billionaires don’t get their tax cuts? Outrageous! Totally racist! And Crackers are expected to be productive members of society without a daily dose of Glenn Beck’s puffy jowls in HD? Get real!

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We Crackers had a great gig, but you allowed all them non-Crackers think that they had the Right to keep the bread they earned with their own labor. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong. As the Massa Race, sitting on a sofa, beer in hand, watching Glenn Beck.

Sincerely
Mark Williams, Adolf’s Nephew NAACP Head CrackerPerson


You see, I’m not a racist. I’m just mad (they're coming to take me away, hahaheehee).